


Mood of my Coffee

by hunters_retreat



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Boys were cruel to each other, College, High School Sweethearts turned sour, M/M, Reunion Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 17:32:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7901551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hunters_retreat/pseuds/hunters_retreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I don’t know him? Really because knowing him in bed isn’t what makes you know him.  I know his favorite color is navy blue, but he hates all other shades of blue.  I know that he likes Pepsi over Coke but he prefers coffee over all.  When he’s in a good mood he takes it black, but the more stressed or upset he is, the more cream and sugar he adds.  I’d guess right now it’s looking more like muddy milk than coffee.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mood of my Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> This was an old story I'd started years ago and never finished. I dusted it off a few months ago and finished it but it got put aside again once it came back from beta because of RL. Hope you enjoy :P

“Come on Jared, you have to come out with us tonight.  JR is amazing.   It’s been two months since he transferred in and you still haven’t met him.  He thinks you’re avoiding him.”

Jared sighed as he took another look at the sketches he was working on for his next lighting project for class.  It was a good start but if he didn’t get more of it done while he had the chance he knew he’d fall behind and this was one class he needed to stay on top of.  “And you’re trying to set us up,” Jared commented.  Which was another reason he was hesitant to go. 

Katie rolled her eyes.  “Of course I am.  But only because you two would be awesome together.  Seriously, you have to come out.”

Jared sighed.  “I’ll try, alright?  I need to finish some of this up. I can’t make any promises.”

Katie sighed, but kissed his cheek.  “Fine, but If we get done and I come back here to find you’re still sitting in the middle of the drafting room after everyone else is gone, there’s gonna be hell to pay.”

She left and Jared finally had the drafting room to himself.  There weren’t any more classes that afternoon and since there were no shows currently running there weren’t many people hanging around the theater building on a Friday. 

Katie’s comment wasn’t completely unfounded.  More than once Jared had stayed in the classroom late until the cleaning crew came through and kicked him out.  It wasn’t that he was antisocial and he sure as hell wasn’t against getting laid.  Jared just wasn’t very good at relationships.  He didn’t like to date and his friends knew that, no matter that they kept trying to set him up. 

They thought Jared was a commitment-phobe or something but what they didn’t know was that Jared had been in a long term relationship in high school and it’d been awful.  Yeah, he’d been young and stupid and maybe even cruel - two years at college had given enough wisdom to see that much - but it had been mutual.  They were the only two openly gay guys in their high school.  Jared had been the captain of the football team.  His boyfriend had been a cheerleader.  Once everyone learned to stop fucking with Jared because he was gay –it really paid to have linebacker friends - everyone decided that they were a match made in gay heaven.

The only thing about them that had actually been good – besides how great they looked together – had been the sex.  Jared’s life had revolved around football but he’d hated the game.  He had been disgusted at the amount of time his friends and boyfriend wanted to talk about it.  When they weren’t hell-bent on the game and it was just the two of them his boyfriend was always putting Jared down because of his grades, withholding sex if Jared screwed up on his homework or tests.  His boyfriend had been a superficial ass. If Jared wasn’t the quarterback with straight A’s, he didn’t want him.

It wasn’t like Jared thought it was going anywhere.  Jensen was incredibly smart and sexy and there was no way he’d have wanted to keep Jared around once they got out of high school.  Jared had been too angry back them to make a relationship work, too focused on everything but what he wanted.  They’d stayed together until after graduation.  After three years of angry banter that was only ever interrupted by their friends or sex, Jensen had ended it when he refused to talk about going away to college. 

Still, there were times when Jared missed it.  Missed him, even.  Every once in a while there had been moments when all their walls were down and there would be something real between them, some connection that kept Jared going back for more.  Maybe it had been love, maybe not.  Sometimes Jared wondered what he’d been feeling back then.  His relationship with his parents had overshadowed everything though and there were times when he knew he’d been unfair to Jensen.

He let out a huff as he thought about them and the horrible double life he’d been living back then; not able to be happy with anything because it was all to live up to other people’s expectations

He didn’t realize he’d turned the page in his sketchbook until after he was drawing.  Memory poured through him and he found himself drawing the face of someone he hadn’t seen in more than two years.

 

_“You ever just wanna run?”  Jensen asked as he looked up from the back of Jared’s pick-up truck.  The blanket shifted slightly and Jared almost bitched about it before the tone of Jensen’s voice made him stop._

_“All the damn time,” he said softly._

_He felt Jensen’s head rest on his shoulder, the soft exhale of his breath as he relaxed against Jared.  “Yeah.  Me too, JT.”_

 

The morning after, Jared had announced to his family that he was going to school out of state.  He fought with his parents about going, but Jared had a financial scholarship – thanks to Jensen’s constant nagging – and there was little his parents could do to stop him.  Even though Jensen had been accepted to a few out of state colleges, he was going to the local community college.  He refused to even talk to Jared about going anywhere else, let alone going out of state with him.  It was the last straw between them and Jensen had broken up with him.     

Jared looked at his rough sketch but it didn’t do Jensen justice.  Nothing in black and white could. There was something magic about Jensen’s eyes, the way the jade reflected his mood so completely.  He put a few more strokes on the page, fleshing out the stretch of Jensen’s arm as it rested against Jared’s chest the way he remembered it that night in the back of his pick-up truck. 

Jared had never regretted moving out of Texas.  He’d been able to get away from his father’s disapproving scowl and his mother’s anxious glances.  The move had given his parents time to really come to terms with who Jared was. Even though he’d come out to them when he was just a freshman in high school, they had never really accepted the fact he was gay.  Football had been his only way to talk to his father back then so Jared had joined the team to try to form some sort of bridge there. 

Who knew he’d be good at it?  Who knew that four years later he’d resent the hell out of the sport and everything to do with it?  It became the bane of his existence and the one thing everyone loved about him. 

Especially Jensen. 

**

Jensen sat across from his friends and laughed as Matt made a fool of himself.  It wasn’t much different from his old school really.  Well, the classes were bigger and campus was larger, but the theater majors were just as crazy. 

“JR!  You’re here!”  Katie yelled as she threw herself at him.  Jensen barely had time to get his arms up to catch her.  He’d be worried about her affections if he hadn’t already explained to her more than once - because she kept asking if he wasn’t just teasing her – that he was gay. 

He’d never have thought he’d make friends so quickly after he’d transfer from community college but it hadn’t taken long for the other students to take him in and show him the ropes.  He appreciated it in ways he didn’t know how to say.  He wasn’t good at that.  He’d spent the last six years learning to keep his opinions to himself and gratitude was hard for him to remember.  Hell, since he’d come out to his parents, it had been nothing but hell and brimstone to his face but open support when they were in public.

After all, the Ackles family couldn’t have their appearance tarnished.  Even though Jensen had outed himself to the community by getting a boyfriend, his parents weren’t about to let that ruin everything.  They just made sure he knew how fucked up he was in private.

Jesus, JT hadn’t even been worth it.  Okay, the sex had been amazing.  JT had been willing to let Jensen do anything to him and he was never stingy returning the favors either.  He could be kind and he was smart about a lot of things.  He was just short sighted about a lot of things. 

He was smart but he hated to study, so Jensen had to stay on him to get good grades.  When JT played football he made plays that could seriously hurt him.  He couldn’t make a career out of football if he let himself get injured in high school but he scoffed at Jensen’s concern. 

 JT smiled and everyone loved him but they didn’t know how arrogant and self-inflated JT was.  When they were alone, he didn’t want Jensen’s opinion on football or what he should do next with his career.  He never even thanked Jensen for all the time he spent tutoring JT.  Nor did he offer to help him in the classes Jensen had trouble with, like art. 

Honestly, that was JT’s true talent.  Whenever Jensen tried to say something about it though, JT would blow up and let him know his opinion on the matter wasn’t needed or he’d throw him onto the bed and fuck him senseless.  Jensen enjoyed the second, but it was always a toss-up which he’d get so he avoided the subject all together. 

“Of course I made it,” Jensen answered, as Katie wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him towards a booth at the back.  “You said you were buying tonight.  Where else would I be?”

“Not at a drafting desk like some of our friends,” Katie said with a huff.  “I’m warning you now JR, if you turn out to be a closet-techie who would prefer to spend his Friday nights doing designs instead of hanging with his friends, I’ll shoot you.”

Jensen laughed but he could hear the affection in her voice as she spoke about the infamous Jared.  Jensen had transferred in two months ago and he still hadn’t met Jared.  His friends weren’t subtle about trying to set them up.  He’d explained that he wasn’t really looking for Mr. Right.  Mr. Right Now was a far better fit but they all said they’d get along too well not to try.  When he said he preferred not to date among his friends they gave him a little slack.  He didn’t say that his last break up had caused him to lose a close circle of friends but he’d implied enough that they took it as such.

It wasn’t a complete lie.  Jensen had needed to distance himself from his high school friends and it had been easy enough to slink off to community college, make new friends and pretend his old friends had hated him because of the break up.

It had been easier when no one knew him well enough to ask why he had his own apartment instead of living at home with the parents they all thought adored him.  Easier when no one knew to question why he only went to his parents’ house when they were at work and he wanted to visit with his sister.  He could have left the area to go to other schools but he couldn’t miss those years with his sister.  He left each day before his parents came home to avoid the accusations and arguments but he made it work for her.  She had a cell phone now so moving out of state had become a lot more tenable. 

“No worries.  I have no techie-tendencies, nor any desire to spend my Friday nights studying.”

“Not all of us have a choice,” Misha said as they sat at the table with the others.  “We don’t all have JR’s natural wit or Katie’s smile to get us through our term papers.”

“Some of us go to the library and study during the term and not just the night before a final,” Jensen chimed in. 

Laughter followed around the table and Jensen found his thoughts wandering.

 

_“How can you get such good grades when you spend all your time tutoring me?” JT asked as he looked up from his books. “Don’t you need to study?”_

_Jensen sighed, but ignored his boyfriend’s words.  It was just JT trying to get under his skin again.  “I am studying, JT.  Now shut up.  You’re distracting me.”_

_“Oh, am I distracting Jenny?”_

_Jensen turned around, ready to snap but JT was in his face, pushing Jensen down onto his back in the bed of his truck.  They were in a field, not far from town but where they went to get a little peace and quiet.  People assumed they were fucking like bunnies – which wasn’t entirely untrue – but as often as not they were studying.  The look on JT’s face was heated though and it stoked Jensen’s flames._

_“Don’t call me Jenny.”_

_“Jensen,” JT whispered in his ear and it was enough to make Jensen want to fall to his knees.  He didn’t, but only because JT had already put him on his back._

_“JT,” he whispered the boy’s name like it was a lifeline.  It might be.  JT, as fucked up as it all was, was his sanity.  He was real with JT, even if he wasn’t always honest.  He was sure JT was as well._

_“What do you want, Jensen?”_

_He closed his eyes, shivering at the power JT always gave him.  At the way his boyfriend was always so willing to please when it came to sex.  “Fuck me, JT,” he whispered against his lips.  “Wanna ride you in the back of this truck.”_

_When he pressed his lips to JT’s, he opened completely and let Jensen do as he willed._

 

“Earth to JR…”

Katie’s voice brought him out of his memories but when Jensen looked up, a dark shadow had fallen across the table.  He was blocked in by the others or he’d have run as soon as he realized who it was.  The man they were all so fond of, that they thought would be perfect for Jensen.

“Jensen?” JT’s eyes were as wide as Jensen’s felt and his heart nearly stopped.  JT had grown even taller in the last two years.  His shoulders were wider than Jensen remembered.  He’d muscled up in ways that his football career hadn’t allowed, but he’d lost some of the bulk that came with the sport.  He looked good.  No, he looked amazing and Jensen’s hands itched to touch nearly as much as he ached to say something scathing and run away.

“So, you’re ‘Jared’?”

Jared’s eye closed in realization.  “You’re JR.”

Their game faces must have been better than he thought because no one seemed to notice the tension between them. 

“Jared, come sit,” Katie insisted, as the others moved around to try to make room for Jared.  They weren’t subtle about trying to get him to sit next to Jensen. 

He couldn’t do this here, have this reunion in front of the others so he used their maneuvering to get out of the bench.  He was only a few steps away when a hand grabbed his wrist.  He didn’t have to look back to know who it belonged to.

“You don’t have to leave because of me, Jensen,” JT said.

Jensen looked down to where JT was still holding his arm and the other man followed his eyes.  He dropped his hand quickly.  Jensen looked up and pushed aside all the doubt and the need, and let the cold into his eyes the way his father and mother had been so good at.  “I think I do, JT.  I do need to leave because of you.”

Jensen walked out without a look back.  These were supposed to be new friends with a new start but he knew he’d just ruined his friendships with these people.  They loved their Jared and Jensen never would.  He ached because the Jared they knew seemed to be a really sweet guy who had his shit together.  He was nothing like the JT that Jensen had been tied to for all those years, an angry boy who had used Jensen and taken what he could then left him behind for an out of state school and a scholarship.

 

**

 Jared walked out just after Jensen did.  His friends stared after Jensen and Jared couldn’t face them.  Jared had no idea if Jensen had talked to them about his high school boyfriend or what they would think if they heard about the person Jared used to be.  He walked out and ignored them as they called his name.  He ignored their texts and phone calls all weekend. 

Monday morning couldn’t be avoided though.  As much as Jared wanted to skip class and stay in bed he couldn’t.  His dreams had been half remembrance, half nightmares of Jensen and the life he’d led once.  Jared stared at his ceiling after he woke and couldn’t think of a single thing he could say to Jensen. 

The smart, funny, caring JR his friends talked about was nothing like the Jensen that Jared had grown up with.  He couldn’t reconcile the two and had no idea how he’d face him. 

He went to class anyway.  He’d gone two months without seeing Jensen on campus.  He wouldn’t meet him today, right?

He made it to class without trouble, though Misha sat next to him and when he tried to ask Jared about Friday, he looked pointedly to the teacher and didn’t say anything.  Misha took the hint and let it go. 

When class was over Jared walked out into the hallway and was surprised to see Jensen leaning against the wall at the other end of the hall.  Jensen looked up when class let out and it was obvious he’d been waiting there.  Jared took a deep breath.

“I’ll uh … yeah.  You do that,” Misha said as he walked past Jensen. 

Jensen nodded towards an empty room and Jared followed him in.

“Jensen?  What are you doing here?”

“I didn’t know.”

“What?”

“I didn’t know you were at this school.  I wouldn’t have come if I had.”

“Why are you here?” Jared demanded.  Jensen hadn’t known where he went to school?  It hurt but he didn’t want to admit that. 

Jensen looked down at the ground in a move that was so self-conscious and so unlike the boy he’d known.  “It’s a great theater program.”

Jared didn’t know what to say so he stuck to something he thought was safe.  “I didn’t know you were into theater.”

Jensen snorted but it was self-deprecating and not the one that meant Jared was about to get a tongue lashing.  “I took a 101 class at City College.  I was good at it and I really loved it.”

“You didn’t know I was here?” Jared tried to keep the hurt out of his voice.  He hadn’t meant to ask but he couldn’t take the question back once it was out.  “You didn’t even ask, did you?”

“I didn’t keep in touch with anyone from high school.  I didn’t ask about them, or about you,” Jensen answered.  He looked away for a moment before he looked back at Jared.  “All your friends say you spend all your free time designing.  No football?”

Jared let out a bitter laugh at that.  “No.  Believe it or not, my scholarship was academic, not athletic.”

“I do believe it.”

“What?”

“I helped you study.  I know how good your grades were.”

“Right.”  There was an awkward silence and Jared felt himself getting angry as he stood there.  Jensen hadn’t cared about Jared beyond having the perfect boyfriend and once he got out of high school, he’d refused to even talk about moving on together.  No matter how many veiled comments he’d made in the back of Jared’s truck. 

“Look JT, I didn’t mean for this to happen, but it did.  I’m not interested in rehashing the past.  Can we just agree to let the past rest and ignore each other when we have to?”

Jared looked at Jensen then.  Really looked at him.  He had dark rings under his eyes.  He obviously hadn’t slept well this weekend either.   Jared knew he wasn’t seeing anyone because the others would have said something.  Had he lost sleep over this?  Over him? 

The boy Jensen had been in high school wouldn’t have been able to let it all go but maybe Jensen had changed as much as Jared had?  Jared, at least, could give him that much.

“Yeah.  We just … won’t talk about it.  Though, you should know that Katie and Misha won’t take no easily.”

“I’m aware.  Katie showed up at my apartment last night and wouldn’t leave.  I had to kick her out to get to sleep.”

Jared smiled in spite of himself.  As hard as this was, his friends were a pretty crazy bunch.  Crazy, supportive, and loyal.  “Sounds about right.  Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to get started on that ignoring because I have class with Alona and there is no way they didn’t tell her about Friday night.”

“What are you going to say?”

“The truth.  We couldn’t stand each other in high school.”

Jensen didn’t argue with his assessment.  He just nodded, coolly.  “See you around.  Jared.”

It was Jensen’s concession to call him Jared instead of JT that made him take a deep breath and relax a little.  He gave Jensen a tight lipped smile.  Maybe they could make this work after all. 

“See you around, JR.”

 

**

At first, it was easy enough to avoid JT.  Their class schedules didn’t coincide in any way.  Jensen was still getting some of the basic theater classes under his belt and he was focused on acting, where Jared was focused on design.  The next semester changed everything though.  They shared two classes, and their friends in the class wouldn’t let them get away with sitting apart from the group. 

Jensen began to relax a little around JT but then he would say something and he would realize he didn’t know JT at all.  And nothing pissed him off quicker than that thought.  He’d spent three years him, and what he’d thought had been real had been mostly lies and fabrications.  As soon as he remembered that, his walls went back up. 

Some days were harder than others, though.  JT would laugh, or smile at him over something, and he’d want to bury his hands in his hair – so much longer than it had been in high school – and kiss him senseless. 

Some days, JT said something that made Jensen’s world view change completely. 

“You sure you can’t stop by the party?” Katie asked Jared as they were leaving the theater for the night.

“You know he won’t,” Chris answered.   Chris was the best friend Jensen had ever had.  He was rough around the edges but he loved the stage and it loved him right back.  Straight as could be, but he didn’t have a problem with Jensen being out.   Hell, he was about the most open minded guy Jensen had ever met. 

“Is it the football thing?  Because I don’t even know what’s going on, so it’s not like you have to watch it,” Katie complained. “I just go for the food.”

“What football thing?” Jensen asked.

“Jared hates football.”

“What?  You love football,” Jensen said.  They’d spend every weekend during football rehashing games or watching them on his dad’s big screen.  Their friends had all been players or cheerleaders.  JT’s high school identity had revolved around being the star of the team. 

 JT stopped walking and faced Jensen but there was something hard in his eyes.  He hadn’t seen that look since their break up. 

“I never liked football.”

“You were the star quarterback, JT.  Everyone thought you got to college on a football scholarship because you were that good.  How can you say you never liked football?”

JT shook his head.  “My dad loved football.  When I came out it was the only thing he would talk to me about, so I joined the team.  I hated it, every damn minute of it, but it gave me a little bit of my dad back.  You wouldn’t get it.  Your parents were so damn supportive when you came out.  Mine took a long time.  So I played football and I hated it.  But, you’re right.  I was the star quarterback and I got straight A’s and I dated a cheerleader and I was everything everyone expected me to be – except gay.”

He walked off before Jensen could respond.  He didn’t know how to.  JT had spent so much time in the game Jensen had never questioned why.  Yeah, he knew JT’s parents had a hard time of it, but he thought football had bridged the gap between JT and his dad because they both loved it, not because JT had forced it on himself.

Jensen took a deep breath and had to swallow a lump in his throat.  He thought he’d known JT but the truth was he’d barely touched the surface. 

“I’ve never seen him so angry,” Katie said softly.

“You okay, JR?” Chris asked.

Jensen let out a soft sigh.  “Yeah.”

“What was all that about?”

“Told you.  We didn’t get along in high school.”

“There’s more to it than that,” Chris said.

“Wait, does that mean there were guy cheerleaders?” Misha asked.

Jensen couldn’t help himself and he laughed.  “One, and yes, Jared dated him in high school.”

“But Jared doesn’t date.”

“No, he probably doesn’t.”  It wasn’t a charitable thought, but Jensen doubted JT would be able to be honest about who he was with anyone.  If Jensen hadn’t known him after dating him for three years, how would he open up to someone here? 

Or maybe, it had been Jensen all along?  Maybe JT had always believed what Jensen’s parents had been telling Jensen in private.  He was an embarrassment.  No one would love him as he was.  How could they?  Too pretty for a man, too smart for his own good, with a mouth that belonged on a girl? 

Jensen pushed the thought away and made a quick excuse to the others.  He didn’t think Chris believed his sudden need to leave, but was glad Chris didn’t push the issue and let him go.

Best.  Friend.  Ever.

 

**

 

Jared would like to blame someone else.  He’d like to blame Jensen for the way he’d looked when he realized Jared was there, or the guy who kept trying to get all close and personal when Jensen obviously wasn’t into public displays.  Or maybe it was the three beers Jared had already drunk, or that the music was so loud it was hard to figure out what was in his head and what he was saying out loud.

“I said, step away,” Jared clarified.

The guy, Adam, looked at Jared and shook his head.  “You’re not even one of his friends, leave us alone.”

Jensen looked over Adam’s shoulder and Jared wasn’t sure if the look in Jensen’s eyes was for him stepping in or for Adam for coming on so strong at his friend’s party.  Jared knew that look though and Jensen was definitely pissed off. 

“Adam, it’s time for you to go home,” Jensen demanded coldly.  Jared knew that tone, but the guy obviously didn’t recognize the order in Jensen’s voice. 

“You think you can tell me what to do?” Adam hadn’t even looked at Jensen when he spoke.  He seemed to think Jared was his issue and not Jensen which was interesting because Jensen was damn well able to take care of himself.

Jared knew it was out of line.  He was out of line.  Alright, he’d gotten jealous.  Even though he knew Jensen had started dating, he’d never seen him with anyone before.  Seeing the guy try to put his hands all over Jensen and get him up into one of the bedrooms was ridiculous.  Jensen hated any kind of public displays.

“I think Jensen just said you need to go home.”

“You want a shot at him, is that it?  You want to know what he feels like?  You want to know what he looks like, all spread out under you?  You don’t know him, but you want to, don’t you?”

“Don’t.”  It was a warning that made bells ring in Jared’s head, but he was too angry to heed it.  He didn’t know if it was for him or Adam anyway.

“I don’t know him? Really because knowing him in bed isn’t what makes you know him.  I know his favorite color is navy blue, but he hates all other shades of blue.  I know that he likes Pepsi over Coke but he prefers coffee over all.  When he’s in a good mood he takes it black, but the more stressed or upset he is, the more cream and sugar he adds.  I’d guess right now it’s looking more like muddy milk than coffee.”

He looked up at Jensen then and he couldn’t help himself.  “I know other things too.  I know that thing he does with his tongue, I know how much he loves to swallow, and I know how he screams the most obscene filth when he’s getting fucked.” He shrugged his shoulders.  “Maybe I don’t know him as well as I should, but I know him well enough for this.”

He swung.  It wasn’t even a full swing but the guy crumpled.   Jensen just stared at him and Jared couldn’t read him at all.  “I’m sorry.  I know you can handle yourself but … you deserve better than that, Jensen.”

“What would you know about what I deserve, JT?” Jensen demanded.

He looked down at Adam who was watching them silently, clutching his jaw. 

“I know you deserve better than either of us.”

He left before anyone could say anything.  It was silent as Jared grabbed his jacket and flung open the door.  As he stepped through, he heard Misha’s voice.

“Holy shit.  JR was the cheerleader.”

 

**

 

“So.  Adam’s gone.”  Jensen said, as he sat across the table from JT.  JT looked up from his food and stared at Jensen for a minute.  The cafeteria was quiet since it was still early for the lunch crowd but Jensen waited patiently. 

“Not because I hit him, right?”

“Because you hit him.  He said it was him or my friends, that he didn’t want to date me if my friends were all dicks.”

“Did you tell him we aren’t actually friends?” JT asked.

“I told him if he wasn’t man enough to admit he’d stepped over a line at the party then he wasn’t worth it.  I didn’t need you to hit him, but he was the one out of line.”

“I’m sorry.”

Jensen watched him for a minute and smiled.  “No, you’re not.”  Jensen knew he should be angry but he’d been about to deck the guy himself.  It was only their third date and he’d gotten it into his head that the third date meant sex.  Jensen had told him in no uncertain terms that he was not having sex in someone else’s bed in the middle of a party, but Adam was too drunk to actually listen.  Any anger he might have had over Jared’s actions had shifted to Adam when the jackass showed up the next day and wanted Jensen to apologize for his friends. 

“He was an ass.  I’m really not.  I’m sorry I hit him though.  I just…”

“What?”

“I know how you feel about public displays and he was all over you.  You were making it plenty obvious that you wanted him to stop and he wasn’t.  It just pissed me off.  I’d have done it for any one of my friends.”

“Thought we weren’t friends?”

“We’re not.” JT answered quickly.

Jensen just looked at him.  “Huh.”  It wasn’t much, but it could mean something.  Maybe.  As bad as things had ended between them, JT still cared enough to try to protect him.  They’d settled onto a mutual relationship of mostly ignoring each other when they were with friends, but maybe they could actually be friends?

JT grabbed his books quickly and started to scoot out of his seat.  “I uh… I forgot something … I need to…”

He ran off without another word.  He’d left his lunch uneaten and Jensen wasn’t sure what had just happened.  JT never left food behind.  Instead of letting it go to waste, Jensen grabbed it and began to eat his fries.

“Where was Jared going?” Chris asked as he took JT’s seat.  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so flustered.”

“I think … I think we just became friends.”

“Yeah… and the stuff from the other night?”

No one else had asked about the things JT had said.  While Jensen wasn’t ashamed of who he was – refused to be – that didn’t mean he liked the idea that JT had said all those things either.  It wasn’t the worth the two of them had tossed at each other though, and Jensen was willing to overlook it in favor of a possible friendship.      

“What about it?”

“Didn’t get along in high school?”

“We didn’t.  We hated each other, passionately.  Which led to a lot of angry sex.  Hard to avoid it when you’re the perfect gay couple in your high school.”

“You dated?”

“JT and I got together sophomore year.  Broke up when he decided he didn’t want anything to do with Texas and got into a school out of state.”

“You didn’t want to come with him?”

Jensen snorted.  “He never asked and neither did I.  It wasn’t … he wasn’t ….  Jared and JT are like two different people.  JT was this angry football player who just wanted people to idolize him.  So he had the perfect boyfriend on his arm and he used me to get good grades and we had angry sex and it was never going to be able to be anything else.”

“Doesn’t quite sound like you hated him, JR,” Chris said.

Jensen shook his head.  “Maybe, but I don’t think I ever really knew him either.  I think maybe he knew me better than I realized.”

“That’s good, right?”

Jensen let out a bitter laugh.  “Good?  He still left, Chris.  He knew me better than anyone, and he left me behind just like everyone else.”

 

**

 

“You’re coming, right?” Misha asked Jensen as they walked out after their last class for the night. 

Jared looked up as Misha pulled Jensen into the group.  They’d had a truce all semester, but lately it had felt uneasy.  Something about what happened with Adam had caused Jensen to look at him differently and Jared had no idea what to do about that.  The anger he’d once used to protect himself from Jensen’s words was gone and he wasn’t sure he could survive being around Jensen without it.  So far he hadn’t needed it, but he kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Where?” Jensen asked.

“You didn’t invite him?” Chris asked.

“It’s not a big deal,” Jared lied.  It kinda was.  Jared loved designing sets and he wanted to learn as much as he could, but he’d also taken some art classes in school.  It was actually Jensen’s fault.  The little bits of encouragement from Jensen in high school had given Jared the confidence to take classes in the first place.

There was a student gallery on campus and they’d opened up submissions to the students.  Jared had submitted his portfolio and they’d accepted his pieces.  He’d handed over his pieces to someone named Matt and they’d made all the arrangements.  He hadn’t seen it yet.  He didn’t even know what they’d decided to hang. 

“The school’s art gallery exhibit opens tonight and Jared said he got accepted.  He won’t tell us anything more than that.  We’re lucky my friend Matt works in the gallery.  I don’t think Jared would have told us about it at all if Matt hadn’t seen us and made a comment,” Alona said.

“You got in a gallery and you didn’t tell anyone?” Jensen asked.

This was not a great idea.  There were pieces that Jensen shouldn’t see.  He didn’t think anyone else would understand what they were seeing, but Jensen would know.  It showed too much but he couldn’t exclude him when the others were going too.

“It’s not a big deal.  You can come, if you want?”

 He thought Jensen would decline the last minute invitation, but Jensen looked at him for a moment before he gave a small smile.  “I’d like that.”

It was done then.  They were going to see his work and Jensen was going to eviscerate him when it was over.  He’d be lucky if it was just his tongue that did the work.  Jared might have been the school quarterback but Jensen had never been afraid of a fight. 

The art building was a short walk away, even with Jared dragging his feet.  As they walked, the others asked questions that Jared couldn’t and didn’t want to answer.  He wasn’t even sure which of the pieces he’d submitted were being shown. 

“Black and whites?” Jensen asked as they walked up to the door.

“Some.  I’ve been painting too.”

“I remember … your sketchbook.  You took it everywhere but you rarely ever let anyone see it.”

“I never let anyone see it.  You.  A couple times.  It was too much back then.  I couldn’t be who I was and that sketchbook was the real me,” Jared admitted.  Their friends were listening and it was too much, but Jensen deserved that explanation at least.  As much as Jared had hidden himself in high school, Jensen was the one person that saw bits of him that were real and honest.  Jensen’s opinion had mattered to him in ways he knew the other boy didn’t understand. 

“I’m beginning to see that,” Jensen said softly. 

When Jared held the door open, he expected Jensen to snap at him, but he gave Jared a small smile and walked through.  The others followed but Chris gave him an odd look when he passed by that Jared wasn’t sure about.  He needed to ask Chris because lately he’d been a little standoffish with Jared. 

“Where to?” Misha asked.

“Let’s just start up here and work our way around,” Katie said.  “We’ll find Jared’s work eventually.”

It was interesting to see the others and their take on the art.  Chris was more of a take it for what it is kind of guy, which didn’t surprise anyone.  Katie and Alona enjoyed the art for its aesthetics.  Misha made the most realistic of paintings have abstract and absurd meanings.  Oddly enough, it was Jensen that seemed to voice an opinion similar to Jared’s more often than not.

The gallery was set with walls that took them in a spiral towards the main gallery viewing area then back to the exit.  It reminded Jared of an MC Escher drawing but he kept that to himself. 

“Oh my god,” Alona said as she rounded the wall to the main area.  To Jared’s surprise, his own work was on the main wall.  They’d asked him to bring in a variety of pieces and asked if he wanted to be informed of what they’d chosen, but he’d declined.  He was afraid he’d ask them to take them all down if he knew. 

He watched his friends look at the art, but he didn’t tell them this was his.  It was under a pseudonym.  He hadn’t told them because he wanted their honest opinion.  He was painfully aware of Jensen’s reaction as he took two steps back.  He didn’t look at Jensen’s face, couldn’t look, to see Jensen’s reaction.  Instead, he watched Alona and Katie talk, Chris and Misha debate.

He had a variety of paintings and black and white drawings.  Some were of nature.  Some were of places on campus.  Most were of a single model.  You couldn’t see the face, couldn’t see the features clearly and Jared had done that deliberately.  Not with the idea that Jensen would someday see them, but so that the viewer could picture whoever they wanted instead. 

The main piece – the largest and the one that had given him the most heartache – was of the beach.  He’d never been.  He would probably never go, no matter how close he was to one now.  It had been a dream once. 

_If we could run away, JT, where would you want to go?_

_The beach.  I’d take you to the beach and we could sleep in the back of my truck under the stars.  We’d wake with the sun just so I could see the sunrise on your skin._

_Would you make love to me on the beach?  Right there in the sand with the surf coming in around us?_

_Anywhere.  Always, Jensen._

 

It was too much and he was about to walk away before he could face Jensen when he saw Jensen move forward.  He couldn’t look at his face so he kept his eyes on the art.  He saw the way the others stilled though and he braved a glance. 

Jensen looked back at him in that same moment, tears in his eyes.  “JT?”

“Jen.”  He had nothing else to say.  Nothing, because Jensen’s eyes were ripping his heart out.  Again.

Jensen turned away and Jared tried to follow, but as he got to the door Jensen ran. 

Their friends came out after them, but none of them ran after Jensen.  Jared let out a deep breath.

“Those were all about him,” Chris stated.  He was angry but Jared had no idea why.  “You loved him.”

He turned around and stared at Chris.  “Yeah, I did.  He was the only person I could be myself with and maybe we were cruel to one another but who I was with him when we were alone – angry as I was back then – it was me.  And he always wanted to run, talked about running, but when we got the chance, he wouldn’t even talk about going out of state.  I couldn’t stay.  I couldn’t, not for someone who didn’t even want to see me.”

“You think he didn’t?”

“I wanted to be loved, to be accepted.  Jensen wanted to be perfect.”

“That’s not who he is.”

Jared let out a deep breath.  “I wouldn’t know.”

 

**

 

It wasn’t fair.  It wasn’t right.  He ran because he couldn’t face it like that.  The memory ran through his head over and over again, the innocent enough question from JT and the answer he’d so readily given.  The thing he’d dreamt of so many times.  He’d never once thought JT would follow him away from home.  He’d never once thought JT would stay for him either.

The painting though.  The drawings.    

What would have happened, if he’d asked?  If he’d told JT the truth; that he couldn’t leave because his parents were going to cut off his contact with his sister as soon as he was at college?  He couldn’t leave because the only way to see her was to sneak in.  Even now, he paid the bills for her cell phone so they couldn’t turn it off on her.  Would JT have understood?

He didn’t know.  He would never know and it hurt so much worse now when he realized just how lost they’d both been.  In the small moments, they’d found something to hold onto, but it could have been more. 

He needed to see it.  He needed to know what else Jared had drawn over the years. 

It wasn’t hard to get into JT’s off campus apartment.  He left a key for his friends in case of emergencies.  He snuck into the apartment and left all the lights off.  He knew where it was but he’d never been there.  He wanted to look around and learn about the man JT had become without him, but he had a purpose tonight.

He found the bedroom and turned on the reading lamp on JT’s desk.  It was right there, in the top desk drawer just like it had been back home. 

Jensen pulled the sketchbooks out and dropped onto JT’s bed with them.  There were three but JT had dated all his drawings so Jensen started with the first one.

The drawings were basic at first.  JT had started art class his freshman year and you could see the way his skill increased quickly.  He had a knack for it, an eye for detail that made his pencil drawings almost real. 

The second book was the one Jensen had seen before, but only in bits and pieces.  JT never let him browse through it.  If Jensen saw something, he’d let him look at one picture, maybe turn the page to another one he thought Jensen would like, but he never had full access to it before. 

It might have felt like a breach of privacy to sneak into JT’s room and look through the sketchbooks, except that Jensen’s fucking dreams had been painted on a wall and displayed for everyone to see. 

He ran his fingers over the faces of JT’s family.   He’d visited with them often, even though he’d known they were uncomfortable with JT’s orientation.  There were pictures of JT’s dad at the sidelines of the football game, yelling with the rest of the crowd, proud of his son, the quarterback.  There were uglier pages too; one where anger lines were drawn heavily on the man’s face and an LGBT pamphlet was crushed in his hand.  Pictures of his mother looking wistfully out the window to the neighbor’s son outside with his girlfriend. 

There were pictures of school friends but they were all caricatures of them, no one real because none of them had understood who JT really was. 

And then there were the pictures of Jensen.  JT had drawn him often, from half naked in the back of his pick-up, to sitting across from him in the cafeteria.  Most were simple memories, some were fantasies, and some were decidedly pornographic.  What surprised him were the sheer number of mundane things Jared had captured.  A sketch page dated with two weeks of Jensen’s coffee cups.  Jensen in the tub, after he’d strained a muscle and JT had come to check on him.  Jensen studying with JT.  A surprising number of Jensen as he slept in JT’s bed, or across his chest in the back of the truck.

It was too much.  The last imagine in the book was a sketch of Jensen when he’d walked away from JT after their last fight.

He closed the book and opened the third.  This was the one that mattered.  This was now.

There were pictures of the school campus and classrooms.  Some friends that Jensen knew, but a lot of people he didn’t.  Occasionally his own face would pop up again though.

Was it memory that had JT drawing him, or something more wistful?  He ran his fingers over his own face, the feeling of loneliness captured in the drawing was almost overwhelming.  He shouldn’t have done this.  He didn’t have the right.

“It was the day I met you here.”

“JT?” He dropped the book to the bed and started to get up but JT sat beside him and grabbed it. 

“They kept trying to set me up with this new JR guy and I wasn’t ready for that.  I didn’t even realize I was drawing until I had your portrait done.”

“The day we talked about the beach.”

“I thought…”

“What?  JT?”

“I always thought you were trying to tell me something.  That if we could get to the beach maybe this could have been something more.”

“I was.”

“Then why didn’t you come with me? Why wouldn’t you even talk to me about it?”

Jensen let out a deep breath.  “I couldn’t.  I mean, it’s a moot point since you never asked, but I couldn’t leave my sister.”

“I never- you broke up with me because I didn’t ask you to go out of state with me?”

“No.  I broke up with you because you were going and I wasn’t.”

“But you got into all those schools-“

“I did.  I got into all those schools, but my parents kicked me out when I turned 18.  The only way I could see my sister was to sneak over when my parents were out of the house.  When she was old enough to have a cell phone, I bought her one.  It was the beginning of this school year and I finally moved away.”

JT’s eyes were wide as he stared at Jensen.  “I didn’t know.  You didn’t say anything.”

“I was staying with a friend for a little while.”

“You turned 18 before we finished school.”

“I know.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because as shitty as it sometimes was, what we had was the best thing in my life,” Jensen said as he got up from the bed.  “I didn’t want you to know.  I didn’t want my parents’ opinion to make you think that I wasn’t worth having.”

JT got up and tried to grab him but Jensen backed away. 

“Don’t.  I just … that painting brought it all back and it hurts.  It shouldn’t, not after all this time, but it does.”

“I know,” JT had him then, in his arms, and it was the safest place Jensen could ever remember. 

“Jensen, it’s okay.  I’ve got you.”

“You do?”

He looked up and JT’s hand cupped Jensen’s cheek.  “I told you.  Always.  Anywhere.  I didn’t even realize I meant it back then, but I did.”

Jensen closed the distance between them.  It wasn’t the same as it had been before.  There was no angry edge to JT’s touch, no biting remarks as they undressed one another.  They remembered the touch and the feel, but when JT moved over him it was bittersweet.  JT was patient and tender, so careful to make Jensen feel loved.

God help him, he did.

“JT,” he whispered his name like a benediction and JT kissed the sound from his lips.  Jensen had no anger in himself when it came to this.  JT – Jared – was someone he was getting to know and the past had no place there.  He was vulnerable and hurt and he ached so much for this to be something real.  Something good.

“I’ve got you, Jensen,” he whispered in his ear.  His orgasm built slow and steady and when he came, JT did also.  He felt the sting of teeth against his neck and then the soft press of lips to sooth it.  He felt words whispered into his skin so softly that he couldn’t hear them.  He knew them though and he felt his tears fall.

 

**

 

Jared woke the next morning alone.  He had expected too.  Jensen had never slept over, even when his parents had gone out of town.  No matter how Jared wanted to think this was something new, something different, he wasn’t stupid enough to think it would be easy.

Not with how monumentally he’d screwed up last night.

Jensen had been hurt and scared and Jared had sealed them together in a moment of weakness.  Jensen would never see him as anything but the kid who’d left him behind.  He’d never –

Walk through the door with coffee the next morning?

“Jensen?”

It was obvious he’d been awake a while.  Jared saw a towel in a puddle by the door and figured Jensen had gotten a shower while Jared had slept.

“I figured I needed a lot of coffee to get through this conversation.”  

There was nothing warm in his voice but it wasn’t angry either.  It was carefully neutral.   Jensen held a cup from the local coffee shop out for Jared and he scooted up the bed to take it. 

“I’m feeling I need a lot more clothes to get through this conversation.”

“I don’t know… naked might make this easier,” Jensen said with a small smile.  He reached out and ran a hand lightly across Jared’s collarbone and out across his shoulders.  “Jesus, your shoulders, JT.”

Jared shook his head and smiled.  “Still enough of a distraction for you?”

Jensen looked up and pulled his hand back.  “I don’t want to use sex with you as a distraction.”

“Then you want to tell me what last night was about?  Because I have a lot of theories in my head but most of them end up with me totally embarrassing myself.”

“How did you know me so well?”

“What?” Jared had no idea what Jensen was talking about. 

“Back then.  The things you understood that no one else did…”

“I was clueless, Jensen.  You were so smart and funny, but I never understood.  I collected facts here and there.  I wish I had.  I wish I had known what it was like with your parents, or that … you thought I was trying to leave you.”

“You knew what I needed last night.”

“I screwed up!” Jared protested.  “I put that painting up for everyone to see.  I just never thought you’d see it!  And then you were here and you were so sad Jensen, and I just wanted to make that stop.  Because the JR that everyone knows here, I still see the boy I loved but he grew up and he grew away from wanting me.  He’s beautiful and talented and I don’t think I’ll ever get over this, because I knew you were the best thing that would ever happen to me, even when I knew we were both too scared and too young to make it work.”

Jensen stared at him for a minute before he stood up and took Jared’s coffee and set it on the desk with his own.  He started to strip out of his clothes then and Jared just watched in confusion.  Jensen had always been one for a show but this was quick and efficient.  There was no teasing.

When he pulled the covers back and began to manhandle Jared onto his back. Jared pushed back until Jensen was on his back “What are you doing?”

“You can’t say those things JT.  You can’t say you loved me and that I’m smart and beautiful and tell me that you knew I was the best thing that would ever happen to you five years ago and not expect me to want to be with you now.”

“Jensen, you don’t even like me.”

Jensen cupped his face softly and leaned up to kiss his lips.  “I loved you, JT,” he said against his lips.  “I loved you so damn much but I was terrified.  You were so smart but you didn’t know it yet and you were so much more than the game but no one wanted to see it.  All I had was my image and when you realized that, you were never going to want me.  When I … when I decided to stay home so I could see my sister, I didn’t want you to see what I was.  I didn’t want you to know I wasn’t who everyone thought I was.”

“It wasn’t your image I loved, Jensen.  It was the mood of your coffee.  It was the quiet moments when we were alone and you forgot to be someone else.  I held on through the rest of it because I got those.  When I moved away, I lost a lot of the anger I had back then and I realized I’d screwed up a lot of things.  I tried coming home to see you, but your parents thought I wasn’t good enough for you.  You weren’t home and they wouldn’t even let me in to leave you a note.”

“You know they thought you were corrupting me?  That if it weren’t for you, I’d meet some nice girl and realize it was all a mistake.”

Jared’s smile grew.  “I was corrupting you?”

“They had no idea.”  Jensen’s smile dimmed and he looked serious again.  Vulnerable.  “You think they were right?”

“That we were corrupting each other?”

Jensen smacked him lightly on the shoulder and laughed.  “No, our friends.  They pushed so hard to get us to meet.  They thought Jared and JR would be really great together.”

“You think so?  Without the games?  Without the fake fronts?”

“I don’t know but I think maybe, Jared and Jensen, that’s something we could try.”

Jared didn’t honestly know if they could make it work.  They’d had a lot of trouble in their past, but it was something he wanted.  It was something he thought he’d never have.  And maybe he could get it right this time.  Maybe they both could.

Jared leaned down and pressed his lips to Jensen’s in a gentle kiss. 

“I could get used to you being gentle,” Jensen said softly.

“I could get used to you being open and kind,” Jared answered.

“I’m still going to tell you what to do in bed.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Jared didn’t complain when Jensen pushed him onto his back this time, just wrapped his arms around his lover and enjoyed the ride.

 

**

 

They found him the next morning at the coffee shop.  Misha, Chris, Katie, and Alona crowded around the little table with their drinks and Jensen just sat there and waited. 

“Are you okay?” Chris finally asked.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You ran out of the gallery last night and we couldn’t find you.  Jared just about went crazy looking for you.  He said it was his fault you ran.  What happened?”

“Nothing.  It was just … it was a beautiful painting.”

“You’re really calm about all this,” Misha commented.

“Yeah, well… I was upset when I left but… someone found me.  He took care of me last night and I don’t know … I can’t remember being this happy before.”

“You met some guy last night?” Alona asked.  “What about Jared?”

“Tell me more about this guy,” Chris demanded.

 “Hey guys,” Jared said as he joined them all.  They’d taken all the nearby seats and Jared just handed Jensen his coffee and patted his shoulder. 

It shouldn’t be that easy to read him after two years apart but it was.  He saw the slight widening of his eyes as he realized what he’d just asked Jensen to do but Jensen wasn’t the boy he’d been.  He might not want a lot of PDAs but holding his boyfriends hand in public wasn’t a big deal.  Neither was sharing a chair in an overcrowded table in a coffee shop.  He smiled at Jared and stood up.  Jared plopped down in the seat and pulled Jensen into his lap. 

He didn’t stop Jensen from leaning up to get his coffee which was a good thing.  They’d stayed in bed most of the day and he was sorely decaffeinated.  The look of confusion on their friends’ faces was almost too much but Jensen took a sip of his coffee and sighed.  “Perfect.”

 “Yeah?” 

“Think it might be what I love about you most.”

“I know how to make your coffee?”

“You know the moods of my coffee,” he repeated Jared’s words from that morning.  “Like the fact that it’s black today.”

“No need to sweeten it up,” Jared said as he leaned closer. 

Jensen smiled as he pressed a chaste kiss to Jared’s lips, “No need to sweeten it.”

“You two finally figured it out then,” Chris said.

Jensen smiled at his best friend.  “The painting was a bit of a game changer.”

“Really?  That’s what did it?”

“It was such a small moment,” Jensen started to answer Chris but turned to talk to Jared, “but you imagined it with so much clarity, so much like the dream I wanted back then.  It just made me realize that maybe you and I hadn’t been so far apart after all.  Maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t know you, but that I didn’t let myself look too deep at what we had because I thought I was going to lose it.”

“And the sketchbooks?”

Jensen smiled.  “The moods of my coffee.”

Jared laughed and looked at the others.  “I wasn’t lying when I told Adam his coffee order changes with his mood.  I spent two weeks in sophomore year drawing it every day until I figured out the pattern.”

Katie nodded.  “I get it now.”

“Yep,” Jensen said as he pulled in a little closer to Jared and sipped his coffee, contentedly.  “I love him for knowing the mood of my coffee.”

 

 

 

    


     


End file.
